Stuff that only experience can teach you

Hurts go away

Aches tend to stay

Chocolate really is medicinal

Alcohol really is not

Just keep washing. The dryer will eventually catch up.

Never, ever, EVER walk in front of a child pushing a grocery cart.

Fevers are good, puking is bad, you can survive head lice and they really do stop getting sick as much as they get older.

If you have a soccer chair in a bag on your shoulder and a toddler on the ground pitching a fit, set down said soccer chair BEFORE bending over to deal with aforementioned toddler or else the soccer chair in question will come swinging off of your shoulder straight into the face of said toddler with truly remarkable force.

This will not improve the toddler in questions mood.

Kiss your spouse every day.

Kiss your children every day.

In the beginning this is easy. Newlyweds and babies are very kissable. As people age it might not hurt to remind yourself to kiss them but I have found that as my loved ones grow bigger (and in my husband's case just older ;) that the kissing is all the more sweeter.

Do not ever say that you are looking forward to a quiet week. There is no quicker way to invite puking/huge household disaster/unexpected house guests to appear.

Do not ever, EVER, ever under any circumstances say,

"Oh well my (insert your angelic child's name here) would NEVER do that."

(Cuz guess what - they somehow have a magical way to hear you say that to someone and will think of something particularly shocking to horrify you with next week.)

If you burn dinner (not saying I have but you know - an example ;) no one needs to know. Calmly walk to your meal plan (I hate to break it to you because I know you obsess over your meal plan. Well I know that I do but the cold hard truth is that no one reads it but you.) Anyway, go to meal plan, cross of whatever burnt, write in grilled cheese, no one will be the wiser. This is the beauty of being the master of the meal plan - ultimate control.

If you are standing behind a child that is in a crouching position and you bend over to help the crouching child, for the love of all things painful, protect your nose at all costs.